It’s been forever…

I have not felt like blogging in a long time.

I also haven’t been running for a long time…

I am back to both now. Honestly, I am close to turning 30 (well just about a year away) and for a long time in my teens and early twenties I didn’t need to worry about my weight, in fact, I have always been on the small side. I realize now that my carefree days of eating whatever I want and not worrying about it are over. I also look back and realize that since middle school I have usually been fairly active throughout the year with school sports, track at first followed by eight consecutive years on the rowing team. Now that I have been out of school and working at a desk full time, it has become much harder to keep the weight off. I recently saw a picture taken of me at a family event and didn’t recognize myself. I realized that I need to do some work. Not just because I want to look better, but to keep myself in good health is important to me. Many in my family have a history of being unhealthy leading to obesity and early deaths. I want to be as healthy as I reasonably can be.

I don’t want to have to completely alter my life to be healthy, but I want to be confident that I am making conscious healthy decisions on a daily basis. I started running again this winter, not that it was much of a winter this year. We had a pretty mild winter, with no snow this year. I really picked up with my training around February using the Couch to 5k app. Now it’s the end of May and I am running 5k on the regular.

This is an interesting time as we have been in self-quarantine for a few months now. I am working from home and don’t go out very often. In some ways, it has helped with my running though. I used to dread getting up before work before the sun was even up to complete my runs. Now I can run almost anytime throughout the day, so if I don’t get up early I can go at lunch or right after my workday is over. Summer coming is also helpful, I like running in the warmer weather, though I am not looking forward to those really hot, muggy runs that I know are coming.

I have joined a running group, which is helping me stay focused and accountable. It’s been hard with not being able to actually run with my group, as I joined just before we went into lockdown. But we still communicate online and everyone is doing virtual runs these days. I have motivated myself by signing up for many virtual runs so that I am consistently training for my next run. I also signed up for the Rock ‘N’ Roll virtual run club series. They provide weekly challenges to complete and earn points towards rewards.

My initial goal was to lose some weight in time for my brother’s wedding this past April so that I could easily fit into my dress and be able to look at the pictures. The wedding has been postponed until next April due to COVID, which may be my biggest motivator for the year. Now I have all this extra time to get into the shape I would like to be in. The only problem is that I already have the dress and it’s been altered once already. I guess it can always be taken in right?

I have also signed up for some longer runs coming up, not sure if those will have to become virtual runs yet, but I have a 10k scheduled for October that I am really hoping to run with everyone. I don’t mind running the virtual 5ks, but for my first longer race, I think I am really looking forward to the race atmosphere that comes along with running with a large group of people. I like the adrenaline that you get lining up at the start line and finding an unsuspecting person to be your pacer or to pass when the time is right and you need a boost. Crossing the finish line and receiving your free beer and maybe a finisher’s medal.

So right now the goal is to make it to running 10k comfortably by September to have a good race I can be proud of in October. As for the next steps, maybe a half marathon before the end of the year? Too ambitious? Never.

 

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5 years ago today I lost my Mom and after all this time, it still feels like it was yesterday.

The greatest weapon anyone can use against us is our own mind… …by preying on the doubts and uncertainties that already lurk there. Are we true to ourselves, or do we live for the expectations of others? And if we are open and honest… …can we ever truly be loved? Can we find the courage to release our deepest secrets? Or, in the end, are we all unknowable? Even to ourselves?

Part Two of Lilly’s Story…

This is the next part of Lilly’s revenge story.  

A week went by before she heard anything about the outcome of her call to immigration. The call came from her father. “I just wanted to let you know that I’m being investigated by immigration about the validity of my relationship with Maeli,” he said loudly. Almost yelling into the phone, Lilly could hear how upset he was by the accusations that he was not in love with the woman he was marrying, and that she could be sent back to Thailand. “I’m telling you in case you get a phone call from them. If they do call you, all you have to say is that you don’t really know anything, and that I seem to be in love for the first time since your mother. They should leave you alone if they think you don’t know anything. You’re a kid so they won’t think you’re lying,” he said very matter-o-factly.

       “Would I be lying Dad?” she asked very timidly. She already knew the answer to that question but still had a small sliver of hope that her dad would be honest with her for once in her life.

       “Of course not,” he screamed. “What are you suggesting Lilly? I just don’t want you involved in this mess, that’s all.”

       Lilly waited a second before agreeing to go along with his plan. She got him off the phone as quickly as she could, not confident she could keep from screaming that she was the one, who in fact started the investigation. She couldn’t let him know she was behind this. If he knew, he would stop paying for her school for sure. The call left her fuming again, but she shook it off knowing he would get what he deserved soon enough.

The next phone call came just minutes later. Lilly groaned and rolled her eyes when she heard the phone ring, thinking it was her father calling her back. Looking at the caller ID she saw it was her older brother, Tyler. She let out a long sigh of relief. Lilly and Tyler always got along the best, hardly ever fighting, they seemed to share a personality, fitting together like the only two pieces of a puzzle. She swiped her finger across the screen to answer the call, but was surprised to hear his voice sound cold and ominous when he said, “I know it was you.” It was enough to make the hairs on her arms stand straight up.

“How could he know?” she thought. She tried to play the role of innocent. “You know what was me?” she said softly. All of her past mistakes floated through her mind, trying to think of what he could know, besides her latest misdeed.

“I got a call from Dad, and then one from the Department of Immigration. They asked me if I had any more information than my sister, and since I know Annie would be too afraid to report him, it had to be you. You’re the only one not afraid enough of Dad, and impulsive enough to do something like that. So why’d you do it Lil?” His voice was less demanding and more quizzical now.

Lilly’s head was spinning. She had been caught by her big brother. She tried to think of how she could convince him that it wasn’t her, and that she had no idea what he was talking about, but he would know she was lying. He always knew her too well. She wanted to tell him everything, how she had this whole plan to take down their father, but for fear that he would think she was crazy and tell their Dad what she had done, she made excuses. “I was afraid,” she lied. “I thought if anyone ever found out that he forged those papers and brought her here illegally, and then thought that we knew about it, we would all be in big trouble,” she tried to keep her voice even. “I thought maybe if I said something they wouldn’t send Dad to jail, or deport him.” She tried to speak quickly so her voice wouldn’t give her away.

“Wow Lil, that was almost convincing,” he laughed. “Do you forget how well I know you? I know you hate him, and just like the rest of us, you’re confused about why he would marry a woman he barely knows. I never thought you’d be crazy enough to try to get him locked up, it doesn’t surprise me that you want to make his life hell. Now tell me what’s really going on here.”

“Please don’t tell Dad,” she shrieked, tears starting to well up in her eyes.

Tyler laughed loudly on the other end and she blinked the tears away, confused by his reaction. “Do you really think I would do that? You may be crazy, but you’re my lil’ sis and Dad would kill you for this,” he chuckled again. “I’m actually calling for a different reason,” his voice was lower, more serious.

“Oh?” she whispered, still confused.

“I want in,” he sounded almost excited. This caused even more confusion on Lilly’s part. Was he actually suggesting he wanted to be a part of their father’s takedown? It was Lilly’s turn to laugh. Her laughter grew into uncontrollable hysteria. Her plot for revenge seeming mad to her now, hearing her brother tell her he wanted to help bring the same pain they felt to their father.

“Why are you laughing?” he said sounding puzzled. Lilly quieted her laughter, and thought for a second before speaking.

“In on what?” she asked naively.

“Come on Lil, I know your plan goes further than just one phone call. I also know,” he paused for a moment in thought. “I also know that you’re young, and while I know you’re pretty smart, you are way to impulsive to think through a solid plan. I can help. I wanna help. You are not the only one who thinks he is getting married for reasons other than love.  I don’t know what he’s up to, but the man has never loved anyone, including Mom, so let’s beat him at his own game,” he said forcefully.

“I don’t think he loves her either, but if he actually did love her, this would be ten times better,” she laughed at the viciousness of tearing the two apart. Lilly pulled out her kitten notebook, and turned to the page filled with scribbled bullet points and thought honestly about her plan. Realizing that Tyler was right she asked, “So what did you have in mind?”

“I thought you’d never ask,” he said with a sigh.

“Are we really doing this?” she asked. Lilly knew she was impulsive and that is exactly what the first phone call to immigration was. She was pissed at her dad and she acted out, But what they were talking about now wasn’t kid stuff. They had to take this seriously and really think things through. They had an end goal, but the journey there seemed uncertain. They talked for a while about Tyler’s ideas, and Lilly hung up the phone amazed at how calculating her brother could be. She fell asleep quickly, suddenly tired from all their scheming.

Guilt is a powerful affliction. You can try to turn your back on it, but that’s when it sneaks up behind you and eats you alive. Some people struggle to understand their own guilt, unwilling or unable to justify the part they play in it. Others run away from their guilt, shedding their conscience until there’s no conscience left at all. But I run toward my guilt. I feed off of it. I need it.